Break
by iWrite.Truth
Summary: This isn't your typical Brittana story, it's not your typical Quick story either. It's not really a story at all. It's truth. My truth, and Santana's truth. Enjoy


My names Santana. I'm always in pain. Pain because I'm angry. Pain because I'm sad. Pain because I'm scared. But mostly pain because I'm lost. I hate feeling alone and distraught. I hate feeling like no matter what I do I'm always someones second choice. Like no matter how hard I try to fit in, or how many "friends" I seem to have. I'm always alone at the end of the day. Sitting here in the corner of my bed, wishing that my life was different.

I guess I've felt like this for as long as I can remember, it's just that recently all the emotions have been heightened and intensified. While I'm mad at myself for not being outgoing and loud like I want to be. I'm sad because I feel like no matter where I am or who I'm with, I can never really be myself. I'm scared to be who I am because I know that's not who I want to be.

When I picture myself I see someone totally different from who I am. I see someone happy, with no problems whatsoever. I see a girl who has the world in her hands and lives day by day to the fullest. That's not me. I pretend to be happy and I wear a fake smile everyday until I can't anymore. My day to day life is easy, because I'm not physically enduring hardships. But mentally and emotionally. I couldn't be any more broken.

I wake up and wash the dried tears from the night off of my face, though I have little to no idea what got them there. I get dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt because I'm scared of the question's and looks I'll get if I wear what I really want to wear. I ride the bus to school in silence because I don't fit in with anyone who rides that bus. I occasionally talk to Elisa, but she doesn't ride the bus often in the morning. I get to school and stand with the same selfish and stuckup bitches that I call my friends. Plainly because without them, I'd truely have no one. I listen to them complain about their "rich white girl problems" while I stand there sinking slowly into the depths of my own subconscience. I sometimes feel like they literally don't listen to a word I say. When I talk I usually get cut off and interrupted by someone else. Or just ignored all together. Overall it's frustrating. Then Brittany comes over and gives me a hug... Which sometimes makes my heart race, though I wish it would just stop before anyone notices. But sometimes I wish nothing more than for her to just get the hell off me. See I think that's my problem. **I'm confused inside myself. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what I need. **I go to my classes and usually participate, I don't sleep in class and I'm not disruptive. I talk to people I know and never step outside of the box, but it's never about anything worth talking about. I do my work and do as the teacher says. I leave class and head to the quad again, dreaded. My "friends" stand along the wall which means I have to fight through a sea of people just to be near them. Which is not worth the fight. Everyone else is in the circle but nope don't mind me I'll stand right behind you and have a simple conversation about uggs and homework by myself. That's when I feel the most invisible. When I walk up to my group and they don't even acknowledge my existence. Then there are those days when Quinn or Puck or maybe even Brittany would scream out my name and pull me into a hug. Which is great. Except for the fact that they do that to everyone and I'm really nothing special to any of them.

Cheerleading practice is always a fun part of the day, If I'm not running my hardest to prove to myself that I'm not as incompetent as Coach makes me feel, then I'm running 134 percent because I'm expected to be the leader of the team. They all count on me, they look to me to be the star player and to know what to do at all times. When really I look to anyone else in most situations for what to do. At Cheerios I really do feel like it's something I was born to do. Which is really stupid considering I hate going to practice, I hate traveling for games and most of all I hate the pressure. It literally weighs me down sometimes.

One day after tryouts I was at home taking a shower and I literally just felt like I was dying. Like the blood stopped rushing in my veins. My throat was dry and a knot was growing. I kept gasping for air but breathing wasn't getting any easier. I actually thought at that moment that I was going to die. I yanked the shower curtain open and stepped out of the hot water stream and into the cold air. That's when my heart started beating again. I realized my eyes had been closed and I was crying through my sealed eyelids. I regained airflow into my lungs and sunk down to the ground. That's when I really had my first real panic attack.

I know what a panic attack feels like because I've been researching them for years. Ever since in either the 7th or 8th grade when Jason texting me saying. "_Can you leave me alone now? Don't you have someone else to bother?_" I remember it was a sunday and I we were just getting home from church. I sat in the car for like ten minutes after everyone else had gone inside because I felt like I couldn't move without breaking down in tears. I felt my throat drying out and then my heart sinking. **The worst part is when your heart sinks**.

When you actually feel your heart breaking and you really know that your heart is dropping at 100 miles per hour down your chest without even moving? I think that that feeling is what it feels like to die. I think that If someone who has died could come back to life and explain how they felt in their last moments, I think that they'd say something along the lines of

"_My chest got numb, and the behind my eyes started burning. My body stopped functioning, I couldn't move. I could only blink and stare blankly at whatever was right in front of me. I felt like someone had grabbed my heart on both sides and was just pushing and pushing inward until they thought that it would pop. And then finally it stopped. All the pain was gone and I felt nothing." _

I think this is how we die because I personally cannot think of anything more painful. I've been heartbroken so many times in my life and I'm barely even 16. I've been heartbroken over boys and relationships, being disappointed, being confused, and most recently just being under pressure. I don't think of heartbreak only as something that happens to makes your heart hurt emotionally; it's more like anything that makes your heart hurt physically.

According to dictionary .com heartbreak is- "intenseand overwhelming grief, esp. throughdisappointmentinlove"

According to theonlinedictionary .com heartbreak is- "intense and overwhelming grief, esp through disappointment in love"

According to urban dictionary heartbreak is a bunch of shit about how it feels to be dumped or when a relationship ends and you feel powerless and alone without them.

Well bullshit. Sure I think heartbreak can come along with being in love with someone, everyone's been through it or is gonna go through it eventually, sure. But honestly how about those of us who are heartbroken just because we are? Because for all of our lives we've felt less than the others or the fact that we never seemed to fit in. How about the people who have never had an awful breakup that tore them apart but for some reason can never just feel at peace? Imagine how it feels to know that the world doesn't understand you. Imagine that the heartbreak that others feel for a few weeks after a bad breakup is how I've felt for my whole life.

The more I think about being heartbroken the more I realize this: For everyone else, that _heartbreak _from your "love of your life" is gonna end eventually, when they fall in love again, or when they finally start to have fun again, but for some of us _heartache _has always been there and never goes away.

**Knowing that little fact, can break a heart.**


End file.
